Flooring Contractor Gifts

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

Painting by the numbers for adults

'Still having a hard time finding day care?'

'These elves sure are helpful around the house.'

Adhesive Tiles: Do Not Open from this End.

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

'How many studio apartment construction projects did you say you'd worked on before?'

"Yes, I know they fit, it's just not what I pictured for a three car garage!"

Tool Box

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

"I think I perferred the plain magnolia"

God's Subcontractors

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Crane operator Jimmy Morrison liked to break in new guys by giving them what he called a 'sky wedgie.'

'I don't care what the blueprints say, I'm certain HE strongly suggested a roof.'

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Fuel bill gone through the roof

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

Unable to afford scaffolding, Dave ties plungers on his feet to get up a wall.

Texturing the Walls

We're putting on a subtraction.

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

Man finishing painting through flap in door.

'Can you tell me how my new kitchen is coming along?'

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

Home De-Po. Things you need for your project. Things you didn't know you needed until you were halfway through your project.

The Great Drywall of Sheboygan.

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

Once again overbudget and past dealine, the predatory boa constractor adroitly squeezes the life from its victim's wallet.

"The white flag means he gives up and will finally hire a professional to finish the renovation."

'You had to put a skylight in didn't you?'