Fish Hook Fixer Gifts

'Yes, I've removed lots of fish-hooks from dogs...'

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

Waiting for Pants

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

Writer Services: We fix plot holes.

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'I told him over and over again never to press 'delete' more than twice!'

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

'I think this fishing injury is more serious than you're letting on!'

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

'Agreed then? Your boy takes a dive in the fifth...'

"It ain't pretty. You got a bad flap-valve leak, and your tenor drones are all gunked up. It'll be a week at least, IF I can get the parts. I do got a loaner, but she ain't much."

"Dad, I'll assemble yours if you assemble mine."

'They can be a real menace at this time of year.'

'Hello, Biggo Farm Equipment? How much longer is it going to take to get my manure spreader fixed?'

"Tell Santa that Rudolph's check engine light is on."

'Freezer is on the blink.'

"Just confirming, there are no catch limits or size restrictions?"

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

Hospital. Emergency. Closed. I'm bleeding and the E.R. is closed, What should I do? Just go home? Suture self!

'It's our last resort.'

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

'No, you're the plumber, you go and check how bad the leak is.'

"Careful, you nearly took my eye out with that thing"

"That's really great , but what do you do if you want to remove the nail?"

'Please report any drips to maintenance immediately.'

'OK, Mr Smith, we're ready for your colonscopy!'

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

Tailor Shop. Repairs. Alterations. You're a tailor who fixes torn pants?! When we met in the bar you said you were a genetic engineer! No, I said I do "jean splicing"!

Stitches.

'Ah - you must be the Polish plumber.'

Boss, someone called The Fixer is here to see you. Excellent. Go out and tell him I want him to teach you everything he knows. I don't see why I should have to keep paying him when I've got my very own minion. Pay extra attention to the issue vague threats to shut down lawsuits part. If he asks why I didn't fire him myself, you tell him I've moved to Botswana. Very bad man.