First Day As A Doctor Gifts

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

'Medical school's been more challenging since the cadavers turned into zombies.'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

'Well, well, well...'

"The first one's just a warning."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'Well, dad, as a medical student I've got to read specialized literature!'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'I need to borrow your Ph.D. for a half hour tomorrow. I have a major problem to solve.'

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

Nurse pushing the Grim Reaper out of the Surgery room.

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

'Does this get me a purple heart?'