Financial Review Season Gifts

Help!!! I've been kidnapped - Your Money.

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

In basket-case.

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

21st century water cooler conversations.

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

What My Day Feels Like

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

Annual profits,

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"It's confusing when everybody has a pointer."

Businessman in suit on beach with financial report and eyes cut out viewing impending storm.

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

'Now this is my kind of green!'

"We've developed a five year plan that includes ample provisions for another five year plan if this one doesn't work."

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

"Consider this job a reality show where you work your butt off 14 hours a day. If you win, you'll get a paycheck and the chance to do it all over again next week."

'Now, if you would all put on your glasses, we'll get a glimpse of our profits in 3D.'

Okay, start shouting them in for their annual bonuses.

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."