Financial Planning Skeptic Gifts

'Your retirement package will give you plenty of money for the rest of your days, provided you start smoking three packs of cigarettes a day.'

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"It only made sense for us to finally merge."

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

"It's a dependent!"

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

The private sector is a parasite on the economy.

We lost money in every division, but through the magic of accounting, our Take A Penny Leave A Penny trays earned $46 million.

'I want you stop referring to our grant as 'The Big Dipper.''

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

'Our short-term solution is money. Our long-term solution is more money.'

"Have you ever wanted something so bad that you'd actually save up the money to buy it?"

Dick rode through the night, the job offer to become a Pension Investment Opportunities Advisor was just too good to miss.

"You know it almost BEGGARS belief that so many people are unwilling to pay for professional pension advice."

'Andy, this is Doug. Looks like we're going to have to dip into the reserves earlier than we expected.'

Deposits Insured By The U.S. Government (which has a $29 Trillion Debt).

'If you want to learn more about our retirement plan, pick up some brochures at your local Social Security office.'

"It's from our tax consultant. We forgot to beef up our pension scheme, so now we're going to be extinct."

see no evil...hear no evil...SEC can't even spell evil

"I just want enough to get out of the country, and disappear forever."

"How do we know this isn't a ponzi scheme?"

'Six hundred dollars! That's ridiculous! I could buy a new driver with that kind of money!'

'Maybe so, sir, but our motto is, 'A penny saved is a lot of trouble for nothing.''

"Yeah, yeah, you can do a nice mating-dance, but I need to see a bank statement..."

'I'd say my client's position was more agitated than distressed.'

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

Sadie, you've refused for a decade to discuss your finances with me. That's fine. But we should make provisions in case something … in case … Tell me nothing will ever happen to us!!! Part of every death planning session is a glimpse into the raw terror of it all. We'll live to argue forever, Snookums.

Baby Boomers vote

'Actually, trickle-down economics is over with ? what you hear now is the sound of special interests drooling.'

'We found the trouble Mr. Spencer. Your credit is no good!'

Trouble at the U.S. Federal Reserve.

STRIP Hambone: Random Number Generator

"No, we're going to see a financial advisor, we can't be flippant about our retirement money."

'First it's global warming, now they say we've got negative equity.'