Financial Feng Shui Enthusiast Gifts

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

Gerry, there are more accurate ways of balancing the petty cash.

Business of Fingerpointing Line Art

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

"I think I just solved my cash flow problem."

Shop struggles to sell books about recession: '90 per cent off on all credit crunch books' (Titles incluude: Beat the Crunch! Who's to Blame? We're all Doomed!)

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Warning that Inflationary Policies Could Lead to Crash on Wall St

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

'You've got, like, a Feng Shui problem with your pancreas, dude.'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

"Allow me to introduce Recession. Recession is here to stay."

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

"Hey, honey, the credit card company increased our debt... I mean our credit limit!"

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

'Stand back! All he needs is an injection of long-term capital.'

"Did you hear that that bastard McMinney has buggered of to work for Bank of America!"

Practical loans vs. devil-may-care loans.

Money Plant.

"I was downgraded to junk status at work today."

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

Tempest in a Teapot

"We balanced our budget this month!"

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

'Does it bother you that we have all the money?'

Japanese woman in minimalist house reads 'How to Clutter Your Life'

'...And do you John take Jennifer to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to write off on your taxes?'