Finance Manipulators Gifts

"Here's what I'm gonna do."

"For my next trick, I shall turn four consecutive quarters of losses into a positive outlook going forward."

Propping up a profits chart.

I've managed to get your tax bill down to zero, this year ... however, my bill is $10 million.

"Yes, we're a letterbox company. How can I help you?"

Mono-Tasking, Multi-Tasking, No-No Tasking and Nada Tasking.

'let's see if we can find any loopholes in this 'honesty-is-the-best-policy' nonsense.'

'Serves you right, just tearing open the charge card bill and reading it like that!!'

'Well I think everything is in order, congratulations on your new home!'

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

"Rest assured we invest your money as if it were our own. Can I borrow 50 bucks?"

"I'd get out of the volatile, capricious, irritating stock market. . . but I might miss out on further gains."

'I need you to reassure the investors. Can you keep a straight face?'

"This is why I don't want you doing our taxes anymore."

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

"I'm a dynamic pricing consultant."

"Someday all these anonymous accounts will belong to shell companies of which you will deny all knowledge."

'Freddie, the Little Merger Mogul, didn't expect to have a monopoly right away...'

"First me stock split, then my wife ran away with my broker, then my driverless car drove off without me..."

"The stock market roller coaster rides of late have taught me a thing or two. Sell all your assets and stick with cash."

"Can you work a little magic with these figures? In fact, can you make them disappear?"

'I will now make these excellent mortgage deals disappear!'

'I used to think I couldn't serve both God and Mammon, and then I discovered multitasking!'

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

"If we increase the price by fifteen per cent we'll be able to give bigger discounts."

Remember, Art, statistics, credits and debits are in the eye of the manipulator.

'You seem to be raking in a lot of money.' 'I didn't realize I planted it in pay dirt.'

'I borrowed so much money to buy this thing I have to time share it with the bank manager!'

'Look at the bright side, it's better to have loved money and lost than never to have invested at all.'

"The accountant is here to see you Mr Smith."

'Here's a psychological phenomenon in which shareholders actually sympathize with management. It's called the Stockholder Syndrome.'

'Our mortgage is now owned by a guy named Lenny the Squid in bayonne, N.J.'

'This is Vincent. He's Dutch and he's a bit depressed but he's a master at creative accounting!'

'Bad news! Your love line stops at your line of credit.'

"Clean your wallet, Sir?"