Finance Fumbler Gifts

'Serves you right, just tearing open the charge card bill and reading it like that!!'

'Our mortgage is now owned by a guy named Lenny the Squid in bayonne, N.J.'

"First me stock split, then my wife ran away with my broker, then my driverless car drove off without me..."

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

British savings accounts

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

'You're close, Spencer, but usually a business plan is a little more involved!'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

What happens when the bears are running the market.

'In order to fund your deferred compensation, we won't be paying you any salary.'

Cafe investors: I'd like your support in acquiring the lemonade stand down the street. By cutting redundant labor, marketing and technology. I place our annual savings at $17 billion. The phone company investors bought it. Can monkey lick your head?

'Don't worry about a few pounds up or down. Our main concern is always your bottom line.'

'Well, maybe upteen zillion was too general a cost estimate.'

'And finally, a steady decline in earnings has forced us to trim the presentations budget.'

'It's the bank again... What I'd give for a bit of good old-fashioned heavy breathing!'

'Oh, wait. There's a note. It says; Fill her up with euros.'

'I love it when you say - 'I'm going to print money'.'

'It takes great courage of conviction to know you're wrong, yet still proceed forward.'

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

The Final Chapter.

'Man, I've bought heaps on my credit card this month...It always amazes me...How many things I'd rather have than money.'

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'Looks like your recovery has been slowed by a diet rich in Greece, followed by a bout of gas problems. Continue to take your QE and call me next quarter.'

10 Days Without an Interest Rate Change

'Stocks fell on the news that whatever can go wrong, usually does go wrong.'

Uncle Sam is Big Brother.

'Reminds me of how I balance your pay packet each week!'

"Goodbye cruel world."

'Don't panic, folks! It's red ink, not blood!

'The salary isn't much, but the expense account to entertain the boss, ohh-la-la!'

"Beats me how I managed before getting a financial support animal."

"Times are perfect for us masochists!..."