Film Professional Gifts

Theatrical awards - "And the award for 'Best Support' goes to Jock Strap."

My brothers and I just signed a deal to star in a blockbuster Hollywood movie. It's called The League of Extraordinary Schmucks. !

Trial by Media

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"It's almost 5 o'clock! Where the hell is my vodka app?!"

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

'You see, Brad, I'm not just a highly polished career woman.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Gay Times...

Busy Workload Today and Especially Tomorrow

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

If nobody had invented graphics

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

Brad Pitt

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Presidential Pooch Meets The Press

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"Springtime in New York. Ah, to be young, in love, and probably making two hundred and seventy-five thousand a year."

Why you've never heard of Ricky Rat.

'Action!...Cut!...Right, everything else is CGI'