Film Professional Prints

Theatrical awards - "And the award for 'Best Support' goes to Jock Strap."

Trial by Media

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"It's almost 5 o'clock! Where the hell is my vodka app?!"

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

'You see, Brad, I'm not just a highly polished career woman.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

Busy Workload Today and Especially Tomorrow

If nobody had invented graphics

Gay Times...

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

Presidential Pooch Meets The Press

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Springtime in New York. Ah, to be young, in love, and probably making two hundred and seventy-five thousand a year."

'Action!...Cut!...Right, everything else is CGI'

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

Local News in Heaven