Film Producers Gifts

"I'm sorry. We don't want a ring-tailed lemur. We want a ring-tailed-lemur type."

"We both see Ben as this summer's breakout child."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"These aren’t the droids you’re looking for."

Showbiz Awards

James Bond in a Snow Globe

Director/Action Man toy.

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

Herman Mankiewicz

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

'Take a few days off. Suck some necks ...'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

Stand-up Romcom

Working in the Hazard Zone!

Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"Max! Oh, my God! There's like a billion moving ideas in there!"

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Steve McQueen

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

'This will be great for chase scenes.'