Festive Improvisor Pillows

Zoom Christmas party

Library sections; Fiction, non-fiction and do-it-yourself.

"The woman on the fire escape who acted like it was a balcony"

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"There are no croutons. I use tater tots on my salad."

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

'These spare Christmas decorations make perfect bird scarers.'

I'm sorry Miss, but your artistic license has expired.

"All I could find was this butternut squash."

'No, I said 'sit'.'

Turkey going away for Christmas.

'Okay, so we had a rainy spring. If we can't make these grapes into wine, maybe we can sell them as water balloons.'

'No cuts in Medicare!'

Christmas escape plan

"Quick! Toss me the stalest one you've got!"

'Where were you on the night of October 31st?'

"Dad, I'll assemble yours if you assemble mine."

"People seem to be saying, Christmas is early, much earlier than they did last year."

'They can be a real menace at this time of year.'

'I can't talk now. I'm in the annual meeting.'

"Tell Santa that Rudolph's check engine light is on."

"I told the missus I'd be pottering around the garden all weekend."

"I knew these old ashtrays would come in handy someday. We'll use them as tip trays!"

"Springtime in Paris on Google Earth. I told you I was a romantic."

"Nothing under me this year. We must social distance."

Hiding in a cupboard for a few hours helped Tom survive the festive season.

'In this district, Constable, you can't be too careful!'

Despite being dumped by his girlfriend on Christmas Eve, Norman still found a way to pull the crackers despite her absence.

Easter chocolate

Chewing on Happy Birthday letters.

'I get stressed at Christmas time too, but it's not for the same reasons as you...'

Santa Claus Christmas Texting