Fence Chatters Gifts

'I've never heard anything so disgusting in all my life. What happened next?'

Marshmallows

Dog FM. (Man blowing dog whistle into radio microphone).

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

"I could have been a big celebrity but for my fear of public speaking."

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'I'm asking for a transfer to California because that's where you get the really good stuff.'

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

Their flirtation ground to a halt when she heard his dog-talking voice.

Bertie Wooster type teaching a parrot to talk

"You are sooooo 'grazed!'"

'Sorry, what was that?'

The Neighbours from Hell....

Avoid Constant Borrowing

"BOL means Barking Out Loud."

Desert Island Gossipping

"We had him neutered,"

'I tell you what: Mistress' lap was so much more comfortable before she started her diet...'

"They said it had a V-8, so I assumed it would run on tomato juice!"

'Take two asprin and call my wife in the morning.'

Oh, hey, the music's starting. Can I call you right back? Inside a Jack-in-the-box.

"Last year I gave up wine for lent. . . this year I'm just giving up lent!"

'As there's no one left to talk about then one of us had better move!'

"It's nothing personal. Max just happens to be allergic to most brands of litter."

"She has these fantasies that she ‘rescued’ me, and I just let her believe it."

'No license?... You mean you're an illegal beagle?'

"They say 60 is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30 and 30 is still a complete pain in the ass to their parents."

'Gossip 50p per minute.'

'Is it just me, or are these summers getting hotter? '

"And finally...."

'I always bark for no reason whatever.'

"I've used the "Call of the Wild" excuse to escape for a few days: my mother-in-law is visiting..."

'I drink to forget.' 'Forget what?' 'I don't remember.'

"Just a minute, this is the gossip I told you last week, and asked you not to repeat."