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'I've never heard anything so disgusting in all my life. What happened next?'

Marshmallows

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

Dog FM. (Man blowing dog whistle into radio microphone).

"I could have been a big celebrity but for my fear of public speaking."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

Bertie Wooster type teaching a parrot to talk

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

Their flirtation ground to a halt when she heard his dog-talking voice.

'I'm asking for a transfer to California because that's where you get the really good stuff.'

'Sorry, what was that?'

"You are sooooo 'grazed!'"

Avoid Constant Borrowing

The Neighbours from Hell....

"BOL means Barking Out Loud."

Desert Island Gossipping

"They said it had a V-8, so I assumed it would run on tomato juice!"

'I tell you what: Mistress' lap was so much more comfortable before she started her diet...'

"We had him neutered,"

'Take two asprin and call my wife in the morning.'

"Last year I gave up wine for lent. . . this year I'm just giving up lent!"

'As there's no one left to talk about then one of us had better move!'

"It's nothing personal. Max just happens to be allergic to most brands of litter."

'No license?... You mean you're an illegal beagle?'

"She has these fantasies that she ‘rescued’ me, and I just let her believe it."

'What did you get him?'

"I've used the "Call of the Wild" excuse to escape for a few days: my mother-in-law is visiting..."

'Gossip 50p per minute.'

"And finally...."

'Is it just me, or are these summers getting hotter? '

'I always bark for no reason whatever.'

"Just a minute, this is the gossip I told you last week, and asked you not to repeat."