Feline Conversationalist Gifts

"Wow! With this new device, now I can finally hear what you're thinking!"

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

"When I first arrived, Young Master was always with me and Old Master didn't want anything to do with me, nor it's the opposite: Go figure..."

"Ever feel like even when you're barking at something you're still barking at nothing?"

"Oh, wow! Is that stunning or what?" "Mid-century classic. Should be in a museum. Let's pee on it." "Totally."

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

"I've never had a bird's eye view of anything."

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"Defense budget... Do you have any idea how much catnip $700 billion would buy?"

"There HAS to be a giant ball at the end of all this string."

"Do you think the birds like me?"

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

"Then he suggested we go to a leash optional beach."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

'...and notice how they like playing with string.'

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

"I just don't get it, they don't do it themselves, so why do they insist on us sitting before crossing the road?"

"I'm not a mad dog. But I'm not particularly happy either."

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

"GPS? In case we get lost? Why would we need that? We're microchipped."

'I don't care how smart you think you are, you're still a bird brain.'

If dogs were psychiatrists.

"I can remember when he used to try to tell us things."

"Really? Everyone we hang out with we also met through our puppies."

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

"The way I see it, microchipping is an invasion of our privacy!"

"... and the fact that I ain't never caught a rabbit should have no bearing on our friendship."

"I'd love to stay and chat but I just heard a silent dog whistle."

"I'm expected for dinner around seven. Other than that I'm completely free."

Dog and man on couch

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'