Faux Food Lovers Gifts

"Worlds are colliding. This is plant-based Spam."

"Just a pinch, Helga ... spicy eye of newt doesn't agree with me."

'and then stand in dish for two hours.'

Fast Food Dieter

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

Vegetables VS Junk Food.

"Mum, why can't we just have a normal Sunday roast like other families?"

The moat won't keep you from raiding the fridge if you order him to lower the drawbridge.

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"Of course our GM vegetables are safe, Madam, they told us so themselves!"

"We're making progress."

"Every time my wife has an accident in the kitchen, I end up eating it. . ."

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Of course I'd never have so much as looked at Timothy if it wasn't for his nose for truffles.'

Intolerant Chef

The Chef's dumplings were his speciality.

"When you came down for a snack last night, did you see a plate of dog food in here?"

"Eat your greens. . . and your pinks and yellows and blues."

New: imitation spaghetti - Impasta.

"And what are the two wonderful gourmet delights you're serving up today...my good man?"

Boss, the customers are demanding to know why the muffins taste like ground cardboard. There was a sale on week-old organic oat bran and cardboard muffins. Should I tell them that? Depends. Are the men wearing lumberjack beards and hipster glasses? And are the women wearing Salvation Army clothes and hipster glasses? Yes. Tell them.

'I can always tell when you're going to cheat on your diet.'

Health food disguised as junk foodjunk food disguised as health food.

Firewood for Sale

"Mother's deviling the Easter eggs. Is that sacrilegious?"

Instead of blue cheese, can I have mozzarella? And instead of vinaigrette, can I have tomato sauce? And instead of lettuce, can I have dough? And instead of tossing it, can you bake it? Salads.

'Do you have a royalty card?'

'Not only our fishcakes, Granny Cora herself was recalled. She's not really a Granny.'

Brain Pasta

In case of emergency break bread.

Dining Infraction, Too Much Tabouli on the Tie!

Beggar on street corner has sign which reads 'Gluten salesman'

A man's instant camera picture falls into his soup.

"I don't really need to avoid gluten, but I feel it's a popular concern with broad appeal we can all share."

"...Oh wait, it's just my reflection."