Fatherhood Humor Lover Pillows

"My daddy has a broken leg, so I need to mark his territory for him..."

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

'He's bound to wake up sometime!'

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

Official Team Cap With Beard

'Now listen: The big hairy ones are the hunters, while the smaller ones with long hair are the gatherers...'

"What do you think is a good step goal for someone who's just started walking?"

Mom dwarves.

"If we're lucky, she'll get a single wear out of this."

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

'His vocabulary is growing by leaps and soap bubbles.'

'Dad, how come we never see and of them in flight?'

"How many times do I have to beep you?"

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"Open up for the choo-choo train!"

A Mom's Purse

'The brown one that smells like an old man.'

"Sure they love us, but once we turn 18 and are no longer a tax deduction, they'll tell us to move out!"

Is your homework finished? It's almost a snow day. No way

"Wow, yours is already climbing your beard!"

"Have you seen my wife?"

"Sorry, Boss, I thought you wanted me to make it look like an accident."

'This might be a good time to discuss a few grievances.'

"I'd like a note excusing me from my wife's childbirth!"

Wild Child