Fatherhood Fumblers Pillows

"I couldn't find the off switch."

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"I was thinking of joining a parenting class."

'Not today,son-not on Fathers' Day!'

"Can you wangle me some parental leave?"

'It never fails. Two pizzas exhaust Dad as much as a 10 mile run exhausts me.'

"The head, the head! I told you, always support the baby's head!"

Baby Shower

The day after Father's Day.

'I'm not giving you a lift. If you want to run away from home, run.'

'It seems like only yesterday, you were just a slimy little maggot.'

'Here's your choice. Grounded for a week or a walk around the Mall with me while I wear this.'

'I'm begging you, please don't let me go!'

"Well ok....but in your case I'll need DNA proof!"

'A rocking horse? Boy! What will they think of next?!'

"Dad, if Mom ever has a boyfriend, I hope he's just like you."

"...No, he can't really fly...no, the bad guys really don't have a ray gun...no, this cereal really isn't the best food in the whole world...no, it won't make you as strong as a giant..."

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

Fathers Saluting Each Other.

'I'm afraid the legislation only covers one partner.'

'With a boss, a wife and three teenaged kids, I haven't had much time to worry about international affairs.'

'I am too the boss of you!'

'I'm banking on celebrating Father's Day this year!'

"Everyone wants to know what Jesus would do. No one ever asks how Jesus is feeling about his complicated relationship with his father."

"My daddy has a broken leg, so I need to mark his territory for him..."

"Do you have any video games that would help reduce my role as a father?"

"Awww....someone's done a pooping in their pants. How cute?"

"Shhh, Daddy's painting – snack time can wait."

'Settle down now and Daddy will take you for a nice ride.'

"Oh come on Dad, you know I'm not VAT registered. Just give me my pocket money!"

Men Parenting

'Why did you call me son? You're not my father.'

"Boss... I need to take a few months off for paternity leave."

"I told you, always support the baby's head!"