Fancy Food Aficionado T-Shirts

"If you can't pronounce it any better than that, sir, you probably wouldn't like it anyway."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell Thursday's gluten-free lasagna!"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

"How sweet, your hand is trembling."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Do you want your zebra de la margola rare, medium or well done?'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

"How's the salmon?"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"Room for dessert, folks?"

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

"For drinks or dinner?"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"....and hold the garlic."

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

"Is the garbage fresh?"

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.

"Geoffrey's seasonal. I'm regional."

Avocado Timeline

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.