Fancy Diner Aficionado T-Shirts

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'You and your 'Rescue the Reindeer' campaign!'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Dog Dressed to Eat

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Hi, I'm Pop!"

"I understand this diner has quite a reputation."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

'Who gets the decaf?'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

Diner

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"Room for dessert, folks?"

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

"How's the salmon?"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"The after-dinner mint is the boss's idea. I think it's superfluous."

"Expense account or regular?"

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'