Family Gift Appreciator Pillows

'Look what my son gave me!'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

celebrating a birth.

"I know it's not an ideal situation, Samantha, but how else are we going to afford a 160 gigabyte laptop, a top of the range mobile and a Playstation 3 for the kids presents?"

Rent a Room With Hot Water

'I take back everything I said about this sweater you knitted for me.'

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

"Mom...There's nothing to do..."

"Tell your assistant it's perfect."

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

At home with the leeches: 'No, you can't have a Quorn tartlet - just drink your blood and be quiet!'

'I already had one bath today! You want my skin to wear out?'

Viking with bike handlebars on helmet.

'I've been disrespectful again, Dad.'

A Mom and Pop Operation

I suppose this probably counts as an adverse event.

'Fish or chicken?' - Pilot has the choice of 2 types of airline food at home.

'Any chance of getting a financial advance on my loose tooth?'

"I'm thankful I get a 4 day school holiday for Thanksgiving."

"One large with cheese, pepperoni and grass clippings."

"...so you then developed an addiction to buying toilet rolls. Wasn't that rather expensive?"

The Battle of Life - Part the First

"I sense a change in the weather! So I bought you this..."

"Mom, Dad, am I adopted?"

And this is your great, great, great, great, great Aunt Sally... Course, she's extinct now, rest her soul.

"I can't believe Tia Carmen is working in our cafeteria! This bites! How can she do this to me?"

'Another stupid ball of string. I was hoping for a tablet."

'The last thing I knew he was on a plane to an obedience school in Omaha!'

The Faith-Based Family

"An old man uses a stick grabber to pick up a cigarette."

Man says: 'It's got quite a nose ... I'm getting notes of nutmeg, a whiff of autumn harvest and rain-sodden undergrowth, and with a tart, elderberry finish. Not bad for a urine sample, eh Doc?'

"Don't worry if you can't remember where the drum is, grandad. I think your internal memory is full."

"It's alright,lady-cleaning 'em yesterday qualifies you for a freebie today!"