Family Gathering Expert Gifts

Face Painting.

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'Ahhh...'

Uncle demonstrating chemical experiments to children

"Any idea how long your family might be visiting?"

"Oh, no - Karen baked a cake so dense that not even light can escape."

T"ruly, Susan, I envy no man."

Christmas Tree

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

"Hi-yah!"

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"I'm afraid the challah got a little burnt this week."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

Duke of Clarence (Later William IV) Promenading with Family

"What makes you think I'm dripping it on my shirt?"

"I'm not eating cookies before dinner. I'm having cookies for dinner!"

Barbecued dessert, anyone? The coals are PERFECT now!

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

"I ask that today is a good day...a day that brings family together...to show how we need one another."

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"See this jelly wobbling. It was waving goodbye."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

Polygamists' Picnic

"Mommy's going to teach you how to make a hamburger."

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

celebrating a birth.

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

"Truth is relative at these reunions. It depends on which relative you talk to."

'Never mind about buying that trampoline. I love your new bed!'

Paul goes home for the holidays