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"Well, I'm not a doctor but..."

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

'None of the other things had instructions.'

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"It looked better on pinterest."

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

Psychiatry. My dad doesn't appreciate how hard it is to follow in his footsteps

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

"Wet wipe?"

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

Mother's Day: 2nd Sunday in May, Others Day: Every day before and after the 2nd Sunday in May.

"Ironically, this all started with a little poke on Facebook."

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'

"I'm sorry, Tom... but you don't Chronic Fatigue Syndrome if it only when you're going to see your inlaws."

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

"No, we're not there yet because your father refuses to ask for directions!"

'Would you like me to have a word with educational psychologist about Julie?'

"The penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law..."