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'It's my car now, but as soon as it's fixed, it'll be my daughter's again.'

"Traveling alone? Don't worry. I'll probably be dead soon anyway."

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

'Eddie's mom has nerves of steel. She didn't send me home 'til almost four.'

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

"I've got a teenage son!"

"If it's any consolation, the first 34 years are the worst."

"Now you listen to me young man because I'm only going to repeat this a GAZILLION times!"

"Remember that third class of water I begged for? Well, now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Mummy's a bit grisly in the mornings. But after something to eat and a little nap, she's quite pleasant."

"Wet wipe?"

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"Ironically, this all started with a little poke on Facebook."

"Come in. Daddy can't wait to meet you!"

"I'm afraid you suffer from 'Teen Traumatic Stress Disorder.' Once your kids grow up, it'll go away."

"Well there's a good idea for dinner, Pesto."

"I don't know why she got so mad. I had an excuse based on a true story."

"Can't I stay up for the news just this once? I'm on it."

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

'There, there mama's little cross to bear.'

"I'm used to real happy meals, you know. If I'm gonna eat this, I'd like my toy prize now! Somehow 'Your own bed to sleep in' doesn't seem like a fun prize."

"No, no, you go - I'll be fine all alone here in the dark."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"We're fine! It's fine! Everything's fine!"

"I thought we talked about this."

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

'Mum, Marmaduke wants someone to tuck him in, too.'

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

'In the top drawer of my desk there's a Taser. If I ever begin acting like your best friend instead of your parent, you have my permission to use it on me.'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

'What a day! Mrs. Reed's own kids had her rubbed the wrong way before we even got to her.'

'It says 'Take 3 tablets a day'. More helpfully it says 'Keep away from children'...'

'...He's got nothing but time.'