Family Courtroom Comedian Pillows

'We never should have bought him that little lawyer kit. Suddenly, everything I ask him to do is capricious or arbitrary.'

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'So Captain Ahab, I put it to you that you were deliberately stalking my client!'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'I got an alleged C on my criminal law test.'

Gary turns 40.

"Just for the heck of it, how do you plead?"

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

"Oh dear, it's just as we suspected.. they do come from another planet."

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"Bailiff."

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief