Family Conflict Enthusiast Gifts

"Mother, take your time, I know this isn’t easy for you. But this is an important moment in our lives, so I will ask you one more time, what on earth did you do with my old comic books?!"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"I need to know who started it."

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"I couldn't possibly lick another baby right now."

"I fell in the mud again. Maybe I need a stunt double."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

'Dad won't buy me a puppy, so I'm teaching him to bark!'

'Hey, Mom, here comes Frankie's tailor!'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"Act your birth order!"

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'I try to run my family like a democracy, but what I really need is a line-item veto.'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'Grandparents! This time last year I wasn't good enough to marry your daughter, but now I've fathered the brightest child in the universe!'

'My sales training was right. The person in the highest chair is dominant.'