Fairy Tale Subverter Gifts

"He's growing up too fast. Instead of hearing a fairytale, he wants to know about rights in the workplace."

"Hiya, sweetie! Don’t mind us..!" "We’re here to protect you from boys in girls restrooms..!" "What’s in the basket..?"

"Can't we ride off in another direction?"

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

Once upon a time and a half. Buick and the Beast.

The Bland Leading the Bland

"It's actually called 'snow white, the seven dwarfs and the damned biting watchdog.' But of course they don't tell us about that ."

"Harvey's staying with shoulders."

Peter

'Ah ha, just as I expected...BOOM!'

'Gay Squirrels!'

"I'm off carbs, dairy and fat. Basically I order a pizza and eat the box."

'I see you opened it yourself, but there'll still be a service charge.'

"As you requested, 'A bottle of something cheap by which to get thoroughly hammered'."

Frosty Had It Coming, See?

'So what are all these reports about you and Sleeping Beauty?'

'We'll have one long form, one short form, and one just-right form.'

I wish somebody had told me "Prince Charming" is an ironic nickname his fraternity gave him!

"I'm your Fairy God lawyer and will grant you three Gloria Allreds."

'So the prince and princess lowered their expectations, became savvy consumers, the lived reasonably contented forever after'

"I hate poems. They're boring and pretentious."

'Wow! You really turned from a frog into a prince! That's great, now I've got much longer legs to eat!'

Wedding Car Cans chase down a car.

'It's the best we could expect - Goldilocks was given an ASBO.'

Santa, red in tooth and claw.

'Um, guitar. What kind of hero were you looking for?'

"Please, Mr. Herrkof is so formal. Just call me Lord and Master."

'I'm sorry sir - you're properly dressed'.

Frank and Ernest's Updated Fairy Tales. Before I work on the thorn, I need to talk about your insurance.

'Then...just as they ran out of petrol, Hansel and Gretel saw a gleaming house made entirely from fully chromed motorcycle components!'

"Yes, it's a girls drink. But the fact that I'm an alcoholic makes it hardcore."

Yeah, not what I expected, either. Glass Bottom Tours.