Expectant Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"Your baby should be arriving on this date. I just emailed you the tracking number."

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

'I felt it put it's little boot in then!'

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

Crime in bookshop

Men Working Things Out

'Remember, repeated failure... is no guarantee of eventual success!'

"Wow! Check out the moon."

'We're hoping to sell the naming rights.'

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

'This is boring. This uterus could sure do with a fast forward button.'

"You're a bureaucrat, Ed. What do you mean you hate paperwork?"

Internet Shoplifting

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

'Money can't buy happiness, Sims, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you a bottle of prozac.'

'Oops, actually, this is a cockroach I squashed the other day.'

"and what are you giving up for lent, Reverend?" "Religion"

Expensive health care

"Dear Author: Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to reject your work."

'Young lady, stop talking to your dad in such a disrespectful way! After all he's a man with degrees and can fill in his unemployment benefit application in five different languages!'

A panhandler with a sign that reads "From each according to his ability…. To each according to his need."

"Amazing. For the fifth consecutive month the polling shows I'm the most popular foetus here."

Spam.

'It was embarrassing. I always swore I'd die of her cooking.'

Jimmy Mussolini With "Leon""Precious I cannot be. One more allusion to Gilgamesh and I'll trash out. I make mistakes, just like you, every day. This may be one of them. I'll take the money and walk."

Universidad

"Well, instead of discussing the book we could discuss why none of us had time to read it."

"I hate waiting, don't you?" (patents office)

"Out of my way! I'm late for that lecture on 'The Importance of Relaxation'!!!"