Expectant Humor Enthusiast T-Shirts

"Your baby should be arriving on this date. I just emailed you the tracking number."

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

'I felt it put it's little boot in then!'

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

Crime in bookshop

Men Working Things Out

'Remember, repeated failure... is no guarantee of eventual success!'

'We're hoping to sell the naming rights.'

"Wow! Check out the moon."

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

'This is boring. This uterus could sure do with a fast forward button.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"You're a bureaucrat, Ed. What do you mean you hate paperwork?"

Internet Shoplifting

'Money can't buy happiness, Sims, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you a bottle of prozac.'

'Oops, actually, this is a cockroach I squashed the other day.'

"and what are you giving up for lent, Reverend?" "Religion"

A panhandler with a sign that reads "From each according to his ability…. To each according to his need."

Spam.

"Dear Author: Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to reject your work."

'Young lady, stop talking to your dad in such a disrespectful way! After all he's a man with degrees and can fill in his unemployment benefit application in five different languages!'

'It was embarrassing. I always swore I'd die of her cooking.'

Expensive health care

"Amazing. For the fifth consecutive month the polling shows I'm the most popular foetus here."

'Ever since we converted the church into a jail, everyone is finding Jesus.'

Jimmy Mussolini With "Leon""Precious I cannot be. One more allusion to Gilgamesh and I'll trash out. I make mistakes, just like you, every day. This may be one of them. I'll take the money and walk."

Universidad

"Well, instead of discussing the book we could discuss why none of us had time to read it."

"I hate waiting, don't you?" (patents office)