Exercise Jokester Gifts

'I'm very active. I'm always jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth, skipping lunch, and jogging my memory. With all that jumping, stretching, skipping and jogging, I still can't lose weight.'

Pretzels. I can't help it, every time after yoga I get an overwhelming urge for a pretzel.

'My waist has spread, my arteries are clogged, cholesterol is elevated, but my legs still go up and down.'

"Telemarketers call 50 times a day, which is good, because getting up each time to answer the phone keeps me in shape."

"Mary, are you sure nobody has added a couple of extra stairs since this morning?"

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

Carrot in front of the donkey workout.

Staff. Manager. So then you must say "I refuse to lift weights." Hey, that's not what I expected when I hired you to be a resistance training instructor!

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

"We don't have an exercise room here. You'll stay in shape by climbing the ladder, jumping through hoops, toeing the line..."

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

"I hate this time of year."

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

Tortoise and hare on treadmills.

He prefers to play fetch with a medicine ball.

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

" ... and if we finish pillaging early enough, we can still catch the evening Zumba class on the after deck."

"Why settle for itsy-bitsy when you could be swole as hell?"

Pelobong

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

No caption (A lumberjack runs on a rolling log in a machine built like a treadmill).

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

'I'm pretty sure this thing wasn't a @$#%& health hazard when I was drying my underwear on it!'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

"My doctor told me I should start working out."

'Fred, didn't I tell you to wear a helmet?'

Caution: high speed treadmill, hole in wall behind it

"It's improv night."

'Do you feel the burn?', 'Yes -- in fact, I think my pancreas is scorched.'

Gym. Trainer. What's with this "burning calories"? Why can't we just lightly toast them?

"Sometimes a tightness in the chest can be a sign of high blood pressure. In your husband's case, however, I just loosened his belt a little."

"Cruz! Are you eyeballin’ me? Eyes shut during savasana! You hear me? Lance, get up and give me 10 headstand pushups to help Cruz here shut her eyes."

"Remember me? I'm your running shoes. Remember what running is?"