Exercise Jokester Gifts

'I'm very active. I'm always jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth, skipping lunch, and jogging my memory. With all that jumping, stretching, skipping and jogging, I still can't lose weight.'

'My waist has spread, my arteries are clogged, cholesterol is elevated, but my legs still go up and down.'

"Telemarketers call 50 times a day, which is good, because getting up each time to answer the phone keeps me in shape."

"Mary, are you sure nobody has added a couple of extra stairs since this morning?"

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

Carrot in front of the donkey workout.

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

"We don't have an exercise room here. You'll stay in shape by climbing the ladder, jumping through hoops, toeing the line..."

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

"I hate this time of year."

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

"Why settle for itsy-bitsy when you could be swole as hell?"

Pelobong

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

"My doctor told me I should start working out."

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'I'm pretty sure this thing wasn't a @$#%& health hazard when I was drying my underwear on it!'

'Fred, didn't I tell you to wear a helmet?'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

Caution: high speed treadmill, hole in wall behind it

"It's improv night."

'Do you feel the burn?', 'Yes -- in fact, I think my pancreas is scorched.'

"Sometimes a tightness in the chest can be a sign of high blood pressure. In your husband's case, however, I just loosened his belt a little."

"Cruz! Are you eyeballin’ me? Eyes shut during savasana! You hear me? Lance, get up and give me 10 headstand pushups to help Cruz here shut her eyes."

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1,273,426 steps."

5. Install all equipment carefully. 6. Never increase the weight load of any exercise machine when you are by yourself.

'Let him go. We'll catch him in the backstretch. Hippos can run faster than humans, but only in short bursts.'

"Remember me? I'm your running shoes. Remember what running is?"

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"I feel so much more relaxed since I punched out my yoga instructor!"