Executive Laughter Gifts

'Ah, Reeves - it's lonely on top!'

"He likes it."

Please sit down. I can give you five minutes.

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

'The reorganisation is moving along. Here comes the new honcho now.'

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

'Our Board of Directors are really very fickle!'

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'

'We're a democracy here, as long as everyone votes in favour of what I want!'

'Enter His Royal Globalness...'

'I appreciate recognition...but pats on the head are demeaning.'

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

"All those in favor of eroticizing our annual report 'aye.'"

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

"I love this work-from-home concept. Now I can fire someone without going to the office."

'Our efficiency expert's only recommendation was to continue his contract.'

"You must understand that my total confidence in this plan of yours depends strongly on one's definition of the words 'total' and 'confidence'."

A businessman sits behinds a desk with a nameplate that reads "Charles F. Baxter - Previously frozen".

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

I Have A Closed Mind.

'I'm just finishing denying the rumors of our impending bankruptcy to the press. Got those bankruptcy papers ready?'

"Profits must be down."

"Not bad! ...For a duck."

'...and that's when I inherited the company. How about you? Who died and made you boss?'

Executive Conkers.

"Not only is it not in speed dial, I don't even know Lee Iacocca's phone number."

"I'm sorry about your divorce, but you can't nest in the storeroom."

"I'm under stress, Miss Gibson. Come in and bite my nails."

Security Alert in the Paperless Office. . . .

'Surround our project with lots of useless extras so our critics have something to pick at while we ram our proposals through.'

'Last week I offered to bring Bixby into the decision-making process, and he's still dithering about it!'

'That, sir - that dismissive little hand wave? It's way too Enron.'

"Now, do any of you other yes-men have a 'yes, but' you'd like to get off your chest?"