Executive Jokester Gifts

'My five-year plan is pretty solid, but it gets a little fuzzy after that.'

'We're a democracy here, as long as everyone votes in favour of what I want!'

'I appreciate recognition...but pats on the head are demeaning.'

'This doesn't look good.'

"Sure you can see Mr. Donaldson; just cross my palm with silver."

'Our Board of Directors are really very fickle!'

'...and that's when I inherited the company. How about you? Who died and made you boss?'

"You don't have coffee breath. And you call yourself a team player!"

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

"Profits must be down."

"You must understand that my total confidence in this plan of yours depends strongly on one's definition of the words 'total' and 'confidence'."

"Not only is it not in speed dial, I don't even know Lee Iacocca's phone number."

The photos? These are the three people most dear to me

'I'm just finishing denying the rumors of our impending bankruptcy to the press. Got those bankruptcy papers ready?'

'I view it as part of the persona of being a middleman.'

"All those in favor of eroticizing our annual report 'aye.'"

"Now, do any of you other yes-men have a 'yes, but' you'd like to get off your chest?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

"Be patient. He'll have to visit the water cooler sooner or later."

'It's a difficult job, he needed a bigger than average 'stress ball'.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"A dozen eggs and a pint of semi-skimmed...Sorry, looks like I left my presentation in my other coat."

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

Chritmas Party - "What in our own time?"

Clowns in the board room: 'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to, well, pie.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

'I recognize the face ... I just can't pin down the name.'

'The reorganisation is moving along. Here comes the new honcho now.'

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

"Make sure the coffee has extra caffeine. I want the employees awake during overtime."