Executive Joke Collector Gifts

'The reorganisation is moving along. Here comes the new honcho now.'

'Our efficiency expert's only recommendation was to continue his contract.'

'I used to commute. Now I transform.'

Please sit down. I can give you five minutes.

Friday

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

The new contract didn't leave him much room to maneuver his hoverdesk.

"If you'd like to take a seat."

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

'Our Board of Directors are really very fickle!'

'Productivity is up. Lay off a couple of more employees.'

Bernie the Monday morning quarterback meets David the Monday morning linebacker.

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

'We're a democracy here, as long as everyone votes in favour of what I want!'

"My assistant will show you the ropes."

'Enter His Royal Globalness...'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

File Cabinets for Perfectionists

'I appreciate recognition...but pats on the head are demeaning.'

'And it's here, where we feel the bulk of our liquid assets are going.'

"Good news. You know that elephant in the room we never talk about? He's now in the other room."

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

"Time to do it in!"

"All those in favor of eroticizing our annual report 'aye.'"

'This committee will have two functions - to execute my plans and to accept responsibility if they fail.'

'Before I show you where you'll be working, let me just say that some companies use money as an incentive. I use Vito here.'

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

'Here's a signed statement from Vince Cable saying we can get rid of underperforming employees more easily.'

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

'Fair warning, I'm in one of my 'moods'.'

"You must understand that my total confidence in this plan of yours depends strongly on one's definition of the words 'total' and 'confidence'."