Excuse Artist Pillows

"If I've timed this right, symptoms should start at exactly 9 a.m. Monday."

'For some strange reason, Smythe, I don't believe you're leaving work because you're not feeling well. Next time don't wear the diving gear, it's a dead giveaway.'

'Normally I want results, not excuses, Higgins, but these are brilliant...'

'Can't come in to work today. I'm in bed with a nasty bug.'

'The numbers on my report card aren't good, but I question the school's methodology.'

Other Patron Saints of Christmas

'Honey, it looks like I'll have to stay a few extra days. You know how hard it is when I'm on assignment.'

'Sorry I'm late, but I didn't get here on time.'

Jimmy Green won't be at school today, this is my father speaking...

"We could try 'gravity' as an excuse."

"Nice try, but you can't blame a messy room on standardized testing."

"I can't come out this week, I'm washing my hair."

"Arithmetic doesn't agree with me."

"I'm doing what the sign says."

"The parking is terrible, so we decided to never do anything again."

'It was self-defense - the clock struck first.'

At last, an excuse not to exercise!

'We don't have a dog so I guess my parents ate my homework.'

"Yes, Mr. James is in. What excuse would you like to hear for him not seeing you?"

"I've discovered that I'm homework intolerant."

"We can't e-mail our homework, can we?"

"Sorry I'm late, chief - I fell back when I should have sprung ahead."

"I didn't say my dog ate my homework. I said Russian bots ate my homework."

'McWit, I suppose you'll use this as an excuse for you getting your reports in late again.'

"No, nothing wrong. Just a great excuse for not 'noticing' some folks."

"How did computer hackers manage to destroy your handwritten book report?"

My daddy ate my homework

'The grades aren't MY fault -- I think Mrs. Pomeroy is teaching-disabled.'

'I'm sorry, but it's such an easy transition from 'The dog ate my homework' to 'The cleaning people lost my project' that I HAD to blame you!'

"Sorry, professor... A black hole sucked in my homework!"

'I'd have been home earlier, but I stepped on some gum.'

'I'd like to blame the economy.'

'I'm afraid I can't go out with you tonight: I'm washing my brain.'

'What excuse have you invented THIS time?'

'Sorry I'm late -- some space aliens zapped me with a temporary amnesia ray.'