Everyday Life Gifts

How to injury yourself as an adult

"The dryer giveth and the dryer taketh away."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

Woman Dancing.

Man leaving house with 'The world ends at noon today sign' "What do you want for dinner, dear?"

'It's been a rough day, my shirt button fell off, the handle of my brief case came off... I'm too scared to go to the bathroom!'

Random things I miss: Queuing for a coffee

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

"Did you get my tweet?"

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

'This is suppose to be progress.'

Tunnel of TV

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"How is it gendered?"

"The club scene is really changing."

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

"I've been wondering if there isn't some way we could capitalize on the cat craze."

Like.

"You're late, Myers!"

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."