Event Attending Gifts

'We should have called weeks ago.'

Sloaney Pony.

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

A day at the races

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

Man at penthouse party walks out onto terrace and is startled to see the Earth, instead of the moon, shining in the sky.

"Are you looking to accentuate or camouflage?"

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

"Great news, I've booked you two stag nights, a hen party and fourteen solemn thanksgiving services for members of the theatrical profession"

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

'I'll take it!'

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

How to read the dress code?

It was a good chance to get together and talk shop.

I am your BIGGEST fan!

'He hasn't missed a turnout in ten years!'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

'I don't like her line of gossip - it's never about anyone I know.'

Nothing puts the flavor in a hot dog like a sports event.

"You've got to blurb me to her."

"Oh, my, I can tell—everybody in there has read Barbara Tuchman."

"They call me the king of railroad salvage - 'they' being my wife, actually."

"I didn't realise it was a formal do."

'Marcy, Ted - so glad you could come! Let me direct you upstairs to the overflow room.'

"Your party just totally blew us away."

"He's my escort, and he's a teddy bear."

Little guy using telescope to see past a big guy blocking his view in the crowd,

"You don't find a style. A style finds you."

'We were going to give you a severance package, but we used it to throw you this retirement party instead.'

Non-Jewish Events and Jewish Events

"Any apologies for absence?"