Eulogy Expert Gifts

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry!"

Man looking at greeting cards labeled "Apologies for not writing sooner" with sub-headings for different lengths of time.

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

"Your basic rule of thumb should be,the bigger the guilt, the longer the stem."

Man looks for wife help from machine.

'I'm trying to make restitution for shredding the sofa.'

Morty likes a holistic approach... sex, cigarettes, pillow talk and then death.

"I was an incurable romantic until I met Martha's divorce lawyer."

'We breathe oxygen in the daytime, what do we breathe at night?' 'Nitrogen.'

'Suddenly, I feel quite vulnerable.'

www.TedBdead.com

"Here it comes, another one of his classic non-apologies."

"Maybe I should have gone with cremation."

"We also have urns, if you want to think outside the box."

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

'They always say such nice things about the departed at funerals, it's a pity they're not able to hear them.'

"Yes, Mom was a junk-yard dog but she was full of love."

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

'Dear Santa, I can explain...'

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

Billy Noiviates: 'Stayed In'

'After reading all of these glowing obituaries, I thought you'd be taller.'

Editor reasures subscriber that he will get an obituary

Epitaph: I Will Test You When I Get There

"He just sits there all day reading the obituaries and giggling."

'It was so sudden. No one's had a chance to tell him.'