Eulogy Gifts

"He was a top boy - he could light up a room just by setting fire to it."

"All we have left is standing room only."

He looks so natural lying there...

'He loved that dog.'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'He was a great writer'

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"I guess laughter wasn’t the best medicine."

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

Life and Death

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

Life after death

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

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When the Job Market Shifts, Always Remember That It's All Your Fault

A man in a little rowboat goes to his grave.

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

Heavenly Gazette This Heavenly Gazette is awfully thin. There doesn't seem to be a financial section Because you can't take it with you. There's no weather forecast. It's perfect every day. I don't see any sports scores. Everybody's a winner up here. And there are no political reports. Of course not in paradise we don't hear anything about politics!

'He never listened to his mother!'

Cricketer's funeral

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

Ventriloquist Grave

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

Norman Wisdom at the Pearly Gates

2pm meet your Creator

'At least they did a good job on him.'

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

'Melvin, you're trying my patience.'