Eulogy Writer Gifts

Sorry Alvin Feister...Has gone to meet his maker - please try again later.

Billy Noiviates: 'Stayed In'

We need a Europe of U-turns.

"Here's a draft of my speech, Accounts Receivable as Collateral When Obtaining Asset Based Lending. Make it pop."

"Thanks for your introductory speech at the conference. By the way, Hibblemeyer, it's 'hard-headed' businessman, not 'thick-headed'."

Church: Open Sundays

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Citizen Cane...

For the record, my young speech writers don't consider borrowing phrases as plagiarism. They consider it sampling.

The speech is ethical. One source is plagiarism, two is research.

"Take this box of rumors, innuendo and hearsay and turn it into decisive leadership."

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"Is this speech pie-in-the-sky nonsense or aspirational?"

"That concludes my presentation. I'll now open this up for some answers."

'I wrote my own speech once. It didn't sound like me at all!'

"What about the writers? Nobody ever blames the writers!"

'I know you're tired of hearing the same old political cliches, but I believe in recycling.'

Now I'd like to depart from my prepared text and speak from the heart...

"Nice speech. A blend of the aspirational and pie-in-the-sky nonsense."

"Perhaps you should focus your message less on the economy and more on little shiny things."

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

"Let's make it a few minutes longer and add more inside jokes."

Joe Binden's Secrets of Public Speaking.

"I just want to thank you for not naming names."

"All too human is fine- unless, of course, it's all too often."

"Now that we've all had a good dose of red meat, who wants to write an attack ad??"

"Your sermons are colourful and have the common touch but you'll have to cut down on the effing and blinding..."

"Doctor, your speech was certainly unabridged."

'If God tells you what to say in your sermon, why do you make so many corrections?'