Eulogy Writer Pillows

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

Sorry Alvin Feister...Has gone to meet his maker - please try again later.

Billy Noiviates: 'Stayed In'

We need a Europe of U-turns.

When the Job Market Shifts, Always Remember That It's All Your Fault

"Here's a draft of my speech, Accounts Receivable as Collateral When Obtaining Asset Based Lending. Make it pop."

Church: Open Sundays

"Thanks for your introductory speech at the conference. By the way, Hibblemeyer, it's 'hard-headed' businessman, not 'thick-headed'."

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

The speech is ethical. One source is plagiarism, two is research.

Citizen Cane...

"Is this speech pie-in-the-sky nonsense or aspirational?"

"He was a top boy - he could light up a room just by setting fire to it."

Our busy Sundays are Christmas, Easter and hurricane season.

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

For the record, my young speech writers don't consider borrowing phrases as plagiarism. They consider it sampling.

"Take this box of rumors, innuendo and hearsay and turn it into decisive leadership."

"That concludes my presentation. I'll now open this up for some answers."

'I wrote my own speech once. It didn't sound like me at all!'

'I know you're tired of hearing the same old political cliches, but I believe in recycling.'

"What about the writers? Nobody ever blames the writers!"

"Perhaps you should focus your message less on the economy and more on little shiny things."

"Nice speech. A blend of the aspirational and pie-in-the-sky nonsense."

Now I'd like to depart from my prepared text and speak from the heart...

"So then I thought...who needs speech writers when I can just recite all my old tweets!"

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, pollen to pollen, mold to mold

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

'Kevin was plagued since childhood by fears of a monster under his bed, but eventually overcame it until he and his monster became inseparable best friends.'

"Doctor, your speech was certainly unabridged."

"All too human is fine- unless, of course, it's all too often."

"I just want to thank you for not naming names."

Joe Binden's Secrets of Public Speaking.

"Now that we've all had a good dose of red meat, who wants to write an attack ad??"

"Let's make it a few minutes longer and add more inside jokes."