Eulogy Experts Pillows

"He was a great guy. But as long as I've known him, he had a habit of always stealing the spotlight from me."

Priest's 'To do' list.

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry!"

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

Man looking at greeting cards labeled "Apologies for not writing sooner" with sub-headings for different lengths of time.

"Have I been good or have you been bad?"

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"He was a top boy - he could light up a room just by setting fire to it."

"Your basic rule of thumb should be,the bigger the guilt, the longer the stem."

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

"Harold died happy knowing he gained a certain immortality through social media."

Man looks for wife help from machine.

'She was always very proud of her figure.'

We think he's dead, but why don

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

Morty likes a holistic approach... sex, cigarettes, pillow talk and then death.

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, pollen to pollen, mold to mold

'I'm trying to make restitution for shredding the sofa.'

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

Tombstone: 'Paul F. Nelson, Doing the Dead Thing Exclusively at Greenmeadow Cemetery since Sept. 25, 2005'

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

'If we do meet again in the after-life, you don't know me, o.k.?'

Sympathy Cards

"I was an incurable romantic until I met Martha's divorce lawyer."

"He was an amazing ventriloquist. Nobody knew just how amazing until now."

O'Leary's Monuments

Relax, it's fake fur.

'Kevin was plagued since childhood by fears of a monster under his bed, but eventually overcame it until he and his monster became inseparable best friends.'