Eulogy Enthusiast Pillows

"Yes, Mom was a junk-yard dog but she was full of love."

"Poetry would be way more accessible if they just said what they meant."

'I'm the one who sold King Tut his tomb. The commission was huge.'

"I'd like to get something for my wife. Do you have any olive branches?"

Remorse code

"I'm still waiting for an apology!"

"I was an incurable romantic until I met Martha's divorce lawyer."

'Bob forgot your birthday. He went fishing instead. So he sent you this Excuse-O-Gram. In hopes he won't end up dead.'

'Awfully glad you could make it,old boy and please excuse the gloves,won't you?'

Death of a Goat Yoga Instructor

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

HOw the Cat WOund Up With Nine Lives.

www.TedBdead.com

Sorry you're leaving.

"Yeah, no - I didn't mean to scare you."

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

"It's just a lamp. There's no need to hand in your resignation."

"He was always so sweaty."

'It says here that the Governor's phone call was just three minutes too late. But hey, they've given you a posthumous pardon.'

"I wouldn't say these are conflict-free diamonds. Henry bought them after we had a terrible row."

"He just sits there all day reading the obituaries and giggling."

'There's no easy way to say this... IDIOSYNCRASY.'

"Some people he knew wanted closure."

'After reading all of these glowing obituaries, I thought you'd be taller.'

Mobile Crem

Editor reasures subscriber that he will get an obituary

'It was so sudden. No one's had a chance to tell him.'

Billy Noiviates: 'Stayed In'

"No, Otis, I think it's safe to say Daddy doesn't remember where he parked the car."