Eulogy Enthusiast Pillows

"Yes, Mom was a junk-yard dog but she was full of love."

"Phil was an accomplished professional and all around great guy. At least that's what his Wikipedia page says."

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"That's perfect! The bloody door is too small!"

"Poetry would be way more accessible if they just said what they meant."

'I'm the one who sold King Tut his tomb. The commission was huge.'

"He was a top boy - he could light up a room just by setting fire to it."

"I'd like to get something for my wife. Do you have any olive branches?"

Remorse code

"I'm still waiting for an apology!"

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, pollen to pollen, mold to mold

'Bob forgot your birthday. He went fishing instead. So he sent you this Excuse-O-Gram. In hopes he won't end up dead.'

"He was an amazing ventriloquist. Nobody knew just how amazing until now."

'Kevin was plagued since childhood by fears of a monster under his bed, but eventually overcame it until he and his monster became inseparable best friends.'

'Awfully glad you could make it,old boy and please excuse the gloves,won't you?'

Death of a Goat Yoga Instructor

"I was an incurable romantic until I met Martha's divorce lawyer."

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

HOw the Cat WOund Up With Nine Lives.

www.TedBdead.com

Sorry you're leaving.

"Yeah, no - I didn't mean to scare you."

"I wouldn't say these are conflict-free diamonds. Henry bought them after we had a terrible row."

"He was always so sweaty."

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

'It says here that the Governor's phone call was just three minutes too late. But hey, they've given you a posthumous pardon.'

"It's just a lamp. There's no need to hand in your resignation."

'But I miss all the funerals we used to go to.'

'It was so sudden. No one's had a chance to tell him.'

Billy Noiviates: 'Stayed In'

"Some people he knew wanted closure."

Mobile Crem

"He just sits there all day reading the obituaries and giggling."

Editor reasures subscriber that he will get an obituary