Eulogies Pillows

'After reading all of these glowing obituaries, I thought you'd be taller.'

He looks so natural lying there...

'He loved that dog.'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

Vanna White: The Later Years.

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

Smirking or Non-smirking

A dead business executive is lowered into the grave with his desk

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Dead Man's Handel

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

Undertaker's Flower Box.

A signaller directing pallbearers

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"Just one last crossing to make..."

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

At the funeral of the amazing Voltar.

"Is it me, or does the old man still look angry at us for denting his Cadillac?"

“Sorry, we don’t accept the living dead.”

'I tend to bury stuff.'

"I think Republicans and Democrats alike can agree that Frank Shustermann is dead."

'I remember baptising him when he was a baby, and that was the last I saw of him until he rolled in here today.'

'Why is he always hanging around?'

"Pleasant Hill Funeral Home. Free Wi-Fi."