Eulogies Pillows

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

'After reading all of these glowing obituaries, I thought you'd be taller.'

He looks so natural lying there...

'He loved that dog.'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

Vanna White: The Later Years.

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

When the Job Market Shifts, Always Remember That It's All Your Fault

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Smirking or Non-smirking

A dead business executive is lowered into the grave with his desk

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Dead Man's Handel

"He was a top boy - he could light up a room just by setting fire to it."

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

Undertaker's Flower Box.

Goldfish funeral

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

"Just one last crossing to make..."

A signaller directing pallbearers

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.

'I tend to bury stuff.'

At the funeral of the amazing Voltar.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, pollen to pollen, mold to mold

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

“Sorry, we don’t accept the living dead.”

"Is it me, or does the old man still look angry at us for denting his Cadillac?"

"I think Republicans and Democrats alike can agree that Frank Shustermann is dead."

Death helps with a broken down Hearse

'I remember baptising him when he was a baby, and that was the last I saw of him until he rolled in here today.'