Quirky Eulogist Pillows

"He was an amazing ventriloquist. Nobody knew just how amazing until now."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Archimedes statue with a lever

Pigeon Little

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

Adam and Eve toast next to a serpent bartender.

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

Expressions of mystery.

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"... No, when I say, 'you must let go of the past' I mean you must return that vase to the museum you took it from."

"R.V. Lintel- Inventor of Polyroc

The game comes first...

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

A caveman attempting to make a cart

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"It Works For Us."

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

'I like it.'

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Is it always so cloudy?"