Eulogy Expert Pillows

'Kevin was plagued since childhood by fears of a monster under his bed, but eventually overcame it until he and his monster became inseparable best friends.'

Priest's 'To do' list.

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry!"

Man looking at greeting cards labeled "Apologies for not writing sooner" with sub-headings for different lengths of time.

"Have I been good or have you been bad?"

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

"He was a top boy - he could light up a room just by setting fire to it."

"Your basic rule of thumb should be,the bigger the guilt, the longer the stem."

Man looks for wife help from machine.

'I'm trying to make restitution for shredding the sofa.'

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, pollen to pollen, mold to mold

Morty likes a holistic approach... sex, cigarettes, pillow talk and then death.

"I was an incurable romantic until I met Martha's divorce lawyer."

"He was an amazing ventriloquist. Nobody knew just how amazing until now."

'We breathe oxygen in the daytime, what do we breathe at night?' 'Nitrogen.'

'Suddenly, I feel quite vulnerable.'

"Here it comes, another one of his classic non-apologies."

"Maybe I should have gone with cremation."

www.TedBdead.com

"We also have urns, if you want to think outside the box."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'They always say such nice things about the departed at funerals, it's a pity they're not able to hear them.'

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

"Yes, Mom was a junk-yard dog but she was full of love."

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

'Dear Santa, I can explain...'

Tell Laurel that I'm sorry. I'll try to listen better. I'll pay more attention to her and I'll try to be less distracted. Our relationship is more important to me than some silly new Apple Macbook that is the thinnest most beautiful laptop ever constructed. She's more important than the sleek and sexy iPhone, the gorgeously rendered collector's edition of Grand Theft Auto IV, or the winsome pitch of an incoming text message. You'll tall her that for me? Not in so many words.

Billy Noiviates: 'Stayed In'

'After reading all of these glowing obituaries, I thought you'd be taller.'

"Phil was an accomplished professional and all around great guy. At least that's what his Wikipedia page says."

Editor reasures subscriber that he will get an obituary

"He just sits there all day reading the obituaries and giggling."

'But I miss all the funerals we used to go to.'