Funeral Traditions Expert Gifts

"Maybe I should have gone with cremation."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

He looks so natural lying there...

"All we have left is standing room only."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"'Grim Reapers' was considered too offensive, these days we're known as 'afterlife facilitators.'"

"Who'd have thought old Harry would turn out to be a vampire?"

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

Cricketer's funeral

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"Efficiency tombs available"

'Normally, I would appreciate your never-say-die-attitude...'

Headstone reading 'Only Sleeping'.

Shoptalk

"Oh relax, I'm off the clock for another hour."

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."

"Hibernating! C'mon guys, I was only hibernating."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"What? Too soon?"

This Space Available.

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

'Gosh, really? That must be pretty grim...'

Dead Man's Handel

A signaller directing pallbearers

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

'I tend to bury stuff.'