Funeral Traditions Expert Gifts

"Maybe I should have gone with cremation."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"All we have left is standing room only."

He looks so natural lying there...

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"'Grim Reapers' was considered too offensive, these days we're known as 'afterlife facilitators.'"

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"Who'd have thought old Harry would turn out to be a vampire?"

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

Cricketer's funeral

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"What? Too soon?"

"Hibernating! C'mon guys, I was only hibernating."

Shoptalk

"Efficiency tombs available"

'Normally, I would appreciate your never-say-die-attitude...'

"Oh relax, I'm off the clock for another hour."

This Space Available.

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

Headstone reading 'Only Sleeping'.

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

'Gosh, really? That must be pretty grim...'

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Dead Man's Handel

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

'I tend to bury stuff.'

A signaller directing pallbearers