Etiquette Warrior Gifts

'It's about time you got jets installed!'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Awkward First Dates

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'