Etiquette Rebel Gifts

Wine tasters...

'She's in a meeting. Would you like to get lost?'

"Cynthia! Bridle your enthusiasm."

Sign on a shopper: 'Yes actually I do own the pavement'.

"Remember, it could spoil the whole evening if you mention the smell of decomposing flesh coming from their basement."

A man at a cocktail party wears a nametag that reads "Trouble".

"When no one's looking, I'm cramming this entire ball of pasta in my mouth."

"Now now, what have I told you about using your zombie knife at the dinner table..."

"For lunch? Spaghetti. Why do you ask?"

'I told you not to live-tweet this.'

"Can you not take lunch at your desk when you're in training for a competitive eating event?"

Man eats huge sandwich.

'It's okay to stare at my tattoo - it's the menu!'

Lighting farts.

'Do you mind if I smoke?'

The Church of DanaeDanaeism: 'It's a new commandment by the church of Danae...thou shalt make room for donuts.'

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

"It has rather an unusual bouquet. What vintage is it?"

'Mind if I start without you?'

Note: Remote control goes inside the soup spoon.

"No one quite knew what Bob did to earn a crust...rumour had it he was a biologist...with a special interest in sloths!"

'He doesn't actually drink much. He spills most of it!'

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel