Dining Etiquette Rebel Gifts

I really don

'Wine makes me sleepy.'

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"What a slobster."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"They don't allow cell phones."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Care to support the caterers courtesy campaign?" "Do you mind I'm trying to eat!"

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

I'll have a hamburger.

The Last Dinner

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

"Why, yes, I am 'still working on that.' You know what I'm not working on? Your gratuity!"

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."

'Smoking section, please.'