Etiquette Rebel Pillows

Wine tasters...

'She's in a meeting. Would you like to get lost?'

"Cynthia! Bridle your enthusiasm."

Sign on a shopper: 'Yes actually I do own the pavement'.

A man at a cocktail party wears a nametag that reads "Trouble".

"When no one's looking, I'm cramming this entire ball of pasta in my mouth."

"Now now, what have I told you about using your zombie knife at the dinner table..."

"Can you not take lunch at your desk when you're in training for a competitive eating event?"

Man eats huge sandwich.

'It's okay to stare at my tattoo - it's the menu!'

Lighting farts.

'Do you mind if I smoke?'

The Church of DanaeDanaeism: 'It's a new commandment by the church of Danae...thou shalt make room for donuts.'

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

"It has rather an unusual bouquet. What vintage is it?"

'Mind if I start without you?'

Note: Remote control goes inside the soup spoon.

"No one quite knew what Bob did to earn a crust...rumour had it he was a biologist...with a special interest in sloths!"

'He doesn't actually drink much. He spills most of it!'

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"